Uncut

There are many perils in the life of a single lady today, don’t think for a moment I am preaching against the choice though, because let’s face it girls it’s the way to be. But truth be told us fine, independent, female specimens must overcome certain hurdles to continue our carefree promiscuous way of life. 

When everything is casual, and it’s never certain if you’ll see a guy again after a night of harmless fun, the most important thing (besides using protection) is to NEVER forget anything at his place. I say this with great emphasis as I have much experience in the forays of never seeing my belongings again even after he says, “promise I’ll mail it to you.”

We of course know that men lie like it’s their job, but far more annoying than the cliché lie that they will call, is the promise they will send us back our stuff. I mean this one makes no fundamental sense, what on earth will they do with the possessions of a lady friend? Pass it off as a gift to the next girl he goes to bed with?

 I would “Honestly” like to know what ever became of the Hawaiian flower hair clip I left at the apartment of a well-known pop punk band recording their album in New York. Did the guitarist I slept with wear it himself? Why on earth could he not follow through on the statement he would return it to me? Not like I was leaving it there on purpose to see him again, no actual contact was necessary, just put it in the mail! But men are lazy which is what I suppose the problem really boils down to.

 Certain items I have lost cannot be replaced or are at least expensive to do so, other items not as much. I remember the time I had been hooking up with a guy for a while, I had even brought my two favorite movies over to watch at his place. We didn’t get to it that night but I had left them there for the next time. Soon after of course I got tired of his violent drunken antics and called the whole thing off without retrieving my movies. Since I was still disgusted by his actions, I just decided to buy new copies of my favorite films rather than see him again. After many months passed and my anger subsided, he hit me up to ask if I still wanted my movies back. I figured I might as well oblige the one person actually offering to return my possessions, and he lived in the area anyway. Of course I did not realize at the time this seemingly nice offer came attached with ulterior motives. I got my movies back, but for the price of giving one hell of a blowjob. Needless to say I now own two copies of Moulin Rouge and Little Manhattan.

I can only recall one instance where belongings of mine were actually mailed back to me. It was the one thing most essential we women should not lose when caught up in the throws of passion, our bras. Perhaps some of you reading this can get away with the no bra look, or one of those cute bandeau things they sell at American Apparel. I however cannot. I am no member of the itty-bitty titty committee and I need constant support. Therefore I was most relieved to receive one of my favorite black bras back in the mail, though at the same time embarrassed that I had left it at the parent’s house of the moron I was sleeping with in the first place.

To add to the constant walk of shame that is my life, no sooner than I had gotten said black bra back, it was then temporarily misplaced in the bedroom of another. When searching for it the next morning I exclaimed, “I need to find that bra, I just got it back!” Thus securing my reputation with my most recent lover as a bit of a slut. The bra I eventually found on his floor, however the jacket I left there which he “promised he would mail” was never seen again.

And that my fellow single ladies is why I tell you the hardest part of hooking up, is getting back your stuff.