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Have you ever had a guy tell you he had a “funny” dream about you? Or how about an “odd” or a “weird” dream? Something they just had to tell you about, even though strangely enough they had never shared their inner thoughts with you before now. And how many times have those quirky little dreams actually translated to mean a sex dream? Let’s be real, the answer is every time ladies.

The worst part is these dreams are never actually weird or funny at all; they are just plain and boring sex. They never get into anything incredibly graphic, and read similar to a thirteen-year-old boy’s first wet dream who have no a clue of what they’re doing. Now if you had a sex dream involving bondage or fuzzy costumes, that would be comical, or at least a little interesting.

What I want to know is who came up with this loophole method to con girls into talking about sex? Do guys really think pawning it off as an innocent, coy, little dream will soften the blow? We women know how it goes you realize, men think about sex what every five minutes? At least be up front with your obvious attempt to dirty talk instead of dancing around the subject like a pansy. 

It would be one thing to share these intimate dreams or fantasies with a lover or close acquaintance; but the audacity of hitting a girl up out of the blue to tell her something as profound as you had a “funny” dream, which I find unnerving. From the moment the word dream is mentioned I know exactly where the conversation is going, don’t give me that small talk, that idle prattle, if your intention is to sext, just get on with it! Because let’s be real here, if your intention was not to sext, wouldn’t you have just kept it to yourself?

Over the years I have been told I was a cameo in many a sex dream, from all kinds of places, people I hardly know, people I’ve known since I was a teen, and most unusually a worst enemy. To make this latter example even more “odd” this person happens to be a female, and one of my most detested classmates as a child. While Facebook has assured me she is now in fact a lesbian, a wall post proclaiming her dream of our union was certainly not something I saw coming.

 I also had one particular repeat offender who would claim to have a sex dream about me every couple of months, making sure to notify me of each time. The discussions of course would then lead to his intentions to make these acts come about in real life. In this case I find it hard to believe the dreams had ever even transpired since he was known to make similar claims to every female he met. I later repaid him for these incessant harassing messages by submitting the lewd photos he sent me to a website designed this kind of revenge titled Is Anyone Up.

Now if I sound too harsh on these dream exhibitionists I do not mean to be, we all have these sorts of dreams it’s only natural. I have probably had far more sickening dreams than any of those I have described, but you know what the difference is? I don’t talk about them. Half the times my dreams are about people I would never find attractive in real life, I wake up thinking I need to talk to a psychiatrist more than tell the person they were about.

At the end of the day guys we aren’t going to find your dream hot, because no matter how great dream sex is, it isn’t real. If you’re trying to make a move don’t go about it in this manner, give us something real to dream about instead of just fabricating it in your head.