When a young girl is growing up, her first experience with a naked man is usually her Ken doll. These anatomically incorrect men gives girls a very distorted picture of what is in store for us later in life. We foolishly marvel at their perfect smiles, chiseled abdominals and impeccable fashion sense. Not to mention their lack of the incredibly unappealing appendage: the penis. We grow up sure of the fact that men are just bare down there, and hey if that works for Barbie it works for me too.
A little farther down the line we get smacked with the truth, the world crumbles, Santa isn’t real and penises do exist. It’s no wonder they make Ken without these monstrosities. They appear like elephant trunks in health textbooks, we learn they fill with fluid like blood and semen, which they can use to shoot out at us. The whole thing seems like some kind of horror movie, and sure us girls have our own problems with leaking blood but we have at least found effective ways to handle it.
Then of course after you’ve done all the reading there is still no preparing for your first time actually encountering a penis. Suddenly all Freudian psychology actually makes sense; men are infinitely fucked up because of the baby arms growing in-between their thighs. The crashing realization of all this, along with experiencing sex far too early, threw me into the depths of what I like to call penis-phobia. For years after my initial encounter at 14 I was terribly afraid of the penis. I still liked men just fine, but when it came down to it I couldn’t reach my hand down there and touch it, much less look at the horrid thing. This resulted in a lot of rather uncomfortable dry humping through my teenage years, not pleasant. It wasn’t until I was about 18 that I came to find the act enjoyable, or see anything appealing about a man’s genitals.
Now on the cusp of my mid twenties I seem to have been hit with a second bout of penis-phobia. This one takes on a whole new meaning however, instead of being unsure or nervous about the appearance of a penis or how to work it, I am now afraid of what they can do. These menacing dicks come capable with the means to infect me with all sorts of things, from UTI’s, to unwanted pregnancies and deadly diseases, all just by having sex. A reality that is truly terrifying.
Now when I see a penis I feel the need to cloak it with a white sheet like a paranormal apparition, just to protect me from these bodily harms. Either that or abstain, abstain, abstain. I some day want to live in a world where nothing bad can happen to you from getting laid, where the penis is not something I have to fear. Until then, I blame you Ken doll.