Uncut

I wanted to dedicate this post to the notion of responsibility. In regards to my last text post I have noticed my own responsibility has been questioned, I have been deemed irresponsible. I found this accusation fascinating and wanted to explore it further. I have always been a slight hypocrite of responsibility as most individuals I’ve come into contact with are.

In the work place I am always responsible, on time, courteous to co-workers, on top of my work and have a genuine desire to be good at my job. The ultimate example of this is my work with children at the camp I have been working at for years. Every summer I enter a separate world, far from my daily life in the city, I inhabit a small cabin in the middle of the secluded woods. I have begun to think of camp as a necessary life detox, cleansing me from my draining lifestyle of alcohol and unfamiliar bedrooms. The summer of the year I turned 21 I “Honestly” woke up in the recording apartment of a fairly popular band, still drunk on the morning I was going to camp. Later I arrived miserable and completely hung over.

But when I do arrive to camp I am as another facet of myself, the one that will make a great mother some day. I have always had a great affinity towards children, how else can we truly stay young forever? My station at camp is one of great responsibility due to my many years of employment, I am in charge of an entire unit staff and up to forty young girls. I am trusted by hundreds of parents with the most precious thing they possess. I will never hold a higher station of responsibility than that one. Ensuring each child is well taken care of, content, fed, amused. The kind of exhaustion felt from this practically 24 hour day occupation is insurmountable, but so is my joy in this vocation. My skill and enjoyment of this kind of job most likely stems from the privilege of being an older sister. I thought the world was all about me, until she came along.

To me the concept of responsibility does not exist without another factor, a dependent. I am responsible at work because of the people depending on me to do so. I am responsible in the care of others because I am depended on to do so. The same with school responsibilities and the like. But when it comes to responsibility for myself, I see no such dependent. I know that no matter what ills I do to myself, I will always be forgiven. Sure I often become frustrated with my own decisions and the consequences they lead to, but I am a firm believer in time heals all wounds, and I have the rest of my life to spend with my self.

Therefore I am quite perplexed at the notion of being labeled irresponsible in taking care of my self. I never heard myself complain, well maybe in my head a little, but who is anyone to tell me what is responsible for my self to be doing? Out of the work place, school setting and care giving for others there is no one for me to answer to, no one to disappoint, to shirk my duties to. Perhaps this is not the most healthy of attitudes, to neglect the best interests of my self, but that is an issue for me to wrestle on my own, and the place of no one else to label what is responsible. I have always prided myself in being independent, making my own decisions, getting places and advancing myself without the help of others. I am just as proud of the decisions I have made that others might object to, they are my own and just as much a part of my complexity.

The only real responsibility I see to myself is to be true, and that is something I follow compulsively. To be honest and direct in my inclinations, and my words, if I later realize I could have made a better choice, that is a truth I prefer to learn the hard way.