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Here lies the obligatory Valentines day post, I will make it short and as usual unsweet. If you haven’t noticed I tend to complain about monogamy on a daily basis, mostly my frustrations with its limitations and false comforts. However on the day where most singles temporarily embrace the bitter and cynical sentiment of my thought, I am slightly less abrasive.

Perhaps the reason for this is I tend to stay away from things when large amounts of people are partaking. For example how I love to go out to bars and drink, but prefer to stay in on weekends when the hordes of bridge and tunnel types flood the streets. The feelings and activities which bring me joy are less impacting when practiced by the masses. But it is true my past three very varied experiences of this Hallmark holiday also have much to do with my present resonance for it.

Let us first travel back 3 years to a very different time in the extraordinary events known as my life. At 20 years old I was still working in retail and attending what seemed like never ending years in college. I was also dating my third cousin who lived in England. This was my last relationship, and it was far from ideal. But for what felt like the first time in my life, I had a “boyfriend” on Valentines day. Of course we weren’t actually together in person, as was the nature of the facade. We did however send each other bundles of meaningless crap which is the real momentum beneath the holiday anyway. Little trinkets labeled with explanations and a heart felt card, for the first time someone other than my mother got me a present on Valentines day. 

But I didn’t feel any different. 

In fact I was still basically alone though with the company of gifts, so I had dinner with one of my very oldest friends, who did happen to be male. At this my then boyfriend/ distant family member was livid. Because I was his “girlfriend” I was nothing short of claimed property. And as that property it was considered improper for me to be dining with anyone else on this sacred day. My meal was ruined by drunken, angry and bitter accusations about my audacity to spend time with a friend. Apparently I should have spent my night dutifully alone with my new possessions, that would better proven my love and devotion. This was the first jarring verbal battle of many more to come that year.

Valentines day 2 years ago catches me at another interesting time of my life. It was shortly after my 21st birthday which started a whirligig of new emotions. Well not new emotions really, rediscovered old emotions is more suitable. I am speaking of course of he who shall not be named, the subject of my now deleted 22nd birthday post. When one of my long time friends and favorite musicians band agreed to play my birthday, making the journey all the way from Pittsburgh, I was delighted. I also decided I would once and for all confess the affection I had held for five years. I’m not sure if I decided to do this because I was turning 21, or knew i’d be drunk, or because i’d seen Love Actually one too many times.

Never the less I did attempt a poorly delivered performance of the “to me you are perfect” line backstage at Public Assembly minutes before they went on. I could feel his inclination to indulge in me. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked and we were in close embrace, but of course he was still with the girlfriend who would a year later attempt to pull out my hair. I did not push it, honestly it was never my intention to make something out of the confession, I just wanted to finally air it after so long. He did later tell me this plea caused him to have a bit of an erection for most of their set however.

But enough about my 21st, fast forward to less than two months later, February 14th 2009. After my birthday we had kept in contact, he had sent me multiple messages describing detailed fantasies about me resulting from my confession. At first I was in awe, it seemed impossible that I was now receiving a confession from the one I had been too shy to admit to for years. It was my 16 year old dream come to life, much more than the one night stand we had shared years earlier. His band was set to come back and play a show in Brooklyn that Valentines day, after the fuel of those letters, I was determined to stage a seduction. Dressed to the nines I went in for the kill, and in a hotel room that night surrounded by his sleeping band mates we once again consummated our union. This would start the affair that would lead to my utter downfall.

The most recent Valentines day was one I spent cursing the year before, still reeling from the catastrophe of my 22nd birthday and obliteration of the affair listed above. But I had also just begun to explore a new venture, making the classic mistake of falling for my best male friend. It seemed like a good idea at the time, someone I had chemistry with, was attracted to, had history with and mutual friends. Also we were both coming out of entirely destructive quasi-relationships, the pain seemed to dull through our time together. I experienced none of the anger or guilt which flawed my past years, the easiness of it all is what attracted me the most. I always knew what I was in for, mediocre sex but a lot of good laughs. In the morning he even made me breakfast. I could almost say I was happy and blissful. But that didn’t last, as it never does.

There were similarities and differences through all these years I have described, there was love, there was sex. Somehow in my mostly non-monogamous past, it just so happens on this day for the past three years I did have someone, someone I slowed down for, truly cherished, unlike the majority of my rendezvous. But this day could have been any other day of the year, the actual day February 14th doesn’t make me feel any different, as it shouldn’t for anyone.

This year I have none of these things, but am content, i’m happy in my empty bed. I am on a bit of a hiatus, a self induced dry spell, giving my heart and all other love making organs a well deserved rest. I love myself, so who else do I need? But then again who knows, the day is still young, perhaps tonight I shall encounter a story that tops them all.